You Don’t Need Another Person Telling You What You Should Do: How to Know If Your Therapist Is the Right Fit

Sep 25

When pregnancy and parenthood are overwhelming, finding a therapist feels like just another daunting thing on the never-ending to-do list.

So… once you’ve finally found someone. Their website looks good. You’ve reviewed all the important info. You’ve consulted with them; maybe had an intake.

How do you know if you've found the right fit?

Because you deserve to feel seen, supported, and held right now.

Training matters. But rapport matters more.

We’re all trained to first check out the therapist's education, licensure, training, and years of experience— all valid bits of information.

And if you're looking for support during pregnancy or postpartum, it’s especially critical to find someone who has specific training and experience in perinatal mental health rather than someone who simply advertises working with general mental health concerns.

But credentials are only one piece of the puzzle.

The relationship you have with your therapist matters immensely— research has consistently told us that more than any training, certification, or intervention, rapport is the most significant factor in someone’s success in therapy.

You should feel understood. Seen. Respected.

That doesn't mean your therapist should always tell you what you want to hear or get it right 100% of the time.

In fact, good therapy is sometimes messy— uncomfortable, vulnerable, and real.

Therapy should combine validation AND growth.

This is my priority in sessions— to sit with you in the difficult moments without immediately trying to fix them—AND also help you develop the skills to navigate those moments differently in the future.

For my clients, that might mean learning how to:

Regulate intense emotions.
Manage anxiety and overwhelm.
Respond differently to intrusive or distressing thoughts.
Set boundaries and ask for help.
Communicate more effectively with a partner.
Cope with guilt and unrealistic expectations.
Practice self-compassion.
Tolerate difficult emotions without immediately reacting to them.

This is where approaches like Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) can be particularly useful, focusing on skills for emotion regulation, distress tolerance, mindfulness, and interpersonal effectiveness. These aren't just concepts to talk about in session—they are skills you can practice and use in the moments when parenting feels overwhelming.

You should feel safe enough to be challenged.

Especially as a parent, you may already be surrounded by messages about what you should be doing.

“You should be take care of yourself better.”
“You should sleep when the baby sleeps.”
“You should ask for more help.”
“You should enjoy this time more.”
Blah. Blah. Blah.

Therapy shouldn't become another place where you feel like you're failing or not doing enough.

Instead, your therapist should be able to validate your experience without keeping you stuck in it.

They should also make you feel like they can support you in finding ways to manage the feelings, thoughts, and stressors showing up so you can improve your quality of life.

They should make you feel comfortable and empowered enough to be challenges— to create new routines, learn new skills, and advocate for yourself.

What does a good fit feel like?

A good therapeutic relationship looks and feels like:

You can be honest.
You don’t feel judged.
You feel understood.
You feel safe when challenged.
Your therapist remembers important things about you.
Your therapist is curious rather than making assumptions.
Your voice and preferences matter to your therapist.
You're learning skills you can actually use in your real life.
You leave sessions with something to think about, practice, or work on.
You feel supported without becoming dependent on your therapist.

Signs your therapist may not be the right fit:

Sometimes the issue isn't that a therapist is "bad." They may be knowledgeable, experienced, and well-intentioned—but simply not the right fit for you.

That’s OK!

In this case, you might notice:

You consistently feel misunderstood or dismissed.
You don't feel safe being honest.
You feel judged or shamed.
Your therapist makes assumptions about your parenting, pregnancy, or your family.
You feel like you're being given advice rather than being understood.
You're looking for practical tools but aren't getting them.
Your therapist isn't open to feedback about what is or isn't working.

It's okay to talk about the fit.

You don't have to decide after one session whether someone is the “right fit.”

Sometimes it takes a few sessions to build trust.

The therapeutic relationship itself can be something you talk about, evaluate, and adjust together. A therapist should be open to feedback, let you know if the clinical fit is off, and provide alternate referrals as you need them.